Prayer and the art of Volkswagen maintenance.

Apologies to Donald Miller for stealing his former book title, but it seemed appropriate.

I've been filling up my little jar, and one of my little blessings I wrote down read:

Having a dependable car.

Now, those of you who knew me in the days of the Big Red Dodge and the series of mishaps that occurred with that vehicle over the year 2009 probably also know how excited I was to become the owner of a not-so-New Beetle this summer. The picture above is just me excitedly posed with my newly-acquired car.

Today in the midst of packing for my trip to Illinois, I decided to empty out my change jar and order some cheap sushi, just to avoid having to cook anything right before leaving for a few days. My beloved little car decided to have a meltdown during the should-have-been 5-minute trip to pick it up, and is currently hanging out in the Walgreens parking lot after I ended up walking back to my apartment (after picking up my lunch, of course).

I decided that, while I'm waiting for my sister to pick me up and take me back to attempt to start my car, I was going to take this opportunity to write about this whole thing. Maybe it's just because I've been thinking about these things lately, but I realized during the LONG walk home (which wasn't really that long) that I may have to take that slip of paper out of my jar. Maybe my car wasn't going to be as dependable as I had hoped. I also realized that the weather was unusually warm and gorgeous for a late autumn day (maybe around 72, and in retrospect maybe that means upcoming tornadoes) and I found myself literally thanking God that, if my car was going to mess up anyway, he let it malfunction on a day this nice so I could enjoy the walk home.

I'm realizing that my happiness and my gratitude must never be dependent on everything in my life going exactly the way I think it should. God is teaching me through all of these things. I can't afford a car repair now (and I'm not even sure yet if I'll need it), but maybe I'm going to learn about his provision in ways I haven't before. Or maybe I'm just discovering that, even when my jar is short a couple pieces of paper, there's still countless others waiting to be written on. Today I'm thanking God for beautiful weather and pleasant walks home.

Still learning about gratitude:

Sushi.

Trips to the Farmer's Market.

Memories--what was sweet in the past should never have to bring sadness today.

Having ten fingers and ten toes.

Forgiveness, both giving and recieving.

Having enough to sometimes bless others, and be blessed through that experience.

The vibrant colors that make up everything I see around me.

Jehovah Jireh--knowing my God will supply all my needs.

Happy Thanksgiving. Let's remember all of the good gifts we already have.

Always starting over, but somehow I always know where to begin...

Well, hello there. I'm a little rusty. I've brewed a cup of chai tea and lit some incense and sought solitude in hopes something would come to me that is worth the time and effort of your reading.

One of my dear friends recently told me that she missed reading my blog, and asked that I start writing in it again. I found this funny since I had only written in the blog for, I think, a couple of weeks. I assumed, or hoped, it had been forgotten, along with any of the many other things I have failed to follow through on in life. Perhaps fortunately, my friend had remembered it very well and was kind enough to give me the little push I needed to get back into the blogging business.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I have been wrestling with the major issue that kept me from wanting to write about my growth in Christ--or, more seriously, that actually stunted my growth in Christ. Discontentment has been a significant issue for me over the past few months, and I have come to realize that these feelings of discontentment are the fruit of a lack of trust in God's faithfulness (despite the fact that He has always, always, proven himself faithful) and a lack of gratitude for the things He has already given me (abundantly beyond anything I could ever hope to deserve. I have been following Anne Voskamp's blog (aholyexperience.com) and what she has been writing about gratitude.

"When gratitude is bound by circumstances, lives are bound to bitterness."

How I allow my circumstances to determine my gratitude!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

I can name a thousand things I've expressed my dissatisfaction with over the past few months. I have allowed my mood, my actions, my worship, my prayer life, and absolutely everything important to fall apart as I spent time stressing over my lack of contentment in my job, in my singleness, with my friends, with my dog, with my finances, with my body, with my family... the list goes on and on and on and on.

And yet how many good things have I failed to notice along the way? So often the very things I complain about are interwoven with the greatest blessings God is giving me every day.

Over this Thanksgiving week I am trying to fill this jar with little slips of paper containing things I am grateful for.

I am challenging myself to absolutely STUFF it with little reasons that I know "I am blessed." Throughout the next year, when I feel discontent, I can pull these out one by one. They will range from the simplest, silliest little things to the great gifts promised to us in scripture.

I'll pull a few out over the next few days to share with you, also.

I'll also be focusing on some ways I am learning to live more generously. As I learn to trust God more and more to meet my needs, I have more freedom to help others and to share what I have.

Let's pop the lid off that jar of thank-yous:

The times the little girl I teach, who has autism, grabs my hand, out of nowhere, just because she is happy.

Never going hungry.

Goodwill, inc.

Wisdom gained when I get to talk to and listen to more mature Christians.

The times I learn humility the hard way.

My good health.

The energy I need to accomplish my daily tasks, even when I don't really prefer the task.

Sloppy kisses on the cheek from my student.

Atonement (n) 1) the making of amends 2) reconciliation between God and man

Hot glue guns

My mom, who has loved me through ALL of it (and probably more)

Doggy kisses, even when they're a little annoying

And more to come. I look forward to sharing with you again!

Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of... stuff.

A couple of days ago it was the 4th of July, otherwise known as Independence Day, the day that America adopted the Declaration of Independence and we became our own country and all that jazz.
If you walked into pretty much any church last Sunday morning, you might have heard these words being sung by the congregation:

"God Bless America,land that I love,
stand beside her, and guide her,
through the night with the light from above.
From the mountains, to the praries,
to the oceans, white with foam,
God Bless America, my home sweet home."

I grew up like most good American kids assuming I was part of some sort of chosen nation. Problems in other countries seemed like they were there simply because they were kind of barbaric and certainly less "Christian" than us.
It had never occurred to me until much more recently how far-fetched such assumptions were. The Great Seal of the United States features the Latin phrase "Annuit coeptis," meaning "He (God) approves our undertakings." I wonder how such a bold claim appears to a God who sent his Son with a message of a kingdom "Not of this world" (John 18). From every description that Jesus gives of this other-wordly kingdom, one finds little to match up with the kingdom that has been established in the United States.
After the church service I went out to purchase some things I "needed," and was quickly distracted by huge Independence Day sales. Reflecting on this later, at home, I realized that retailers had probably nailed the most appropriate way to celebrate the existence of a nation driven by consumption. I had considered myself to be a pretty unmaterialistic person until maybe the last year, when I realized I was holding myself up to a pretty poor standard. I set out this year with a goal to make the utmost effort re-define my "needs" and to stay aware of what my purchases were supporting. I tried to limit myself to making only purchases that were second-hand or used ethical standards in production, but I have failed miserably many times, because I am as guilty as any of that disease that runs rampant in this country--greed.
I honestly feel that if there is one characteristic that is predominant in this country, it is greed. It drives just about everything in our country. People pursue wealth as the ultimate happiness; sex, fame, power, and everything else fall into place after this. I don't know how we can stamp our currency with a claim that "God approves our undertakings," when the things we undertake so often clearly go against His very words. He informs the greedy that "No one can serve two masters...you cannot serve both God and money" (Matthew 6:24). To those who are arrogant of our country's power and would abuse that power, he tells us that "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (James 4:6). Just to think that God opposes the proud, one would have to assume that he opposes many of the nation's actions, and many of its leaders.
I know this all sounds awfully cynical, but I do believe that there is genuine good will in our country. I do believe there is selflessness and humility. I simply think that these are characteristics that do not define our country. Rather, these are characteristics of the kingdom of God, the only kingdom to which I pledge all of my life and loyalty, the kingdom which encompasses everything that is true and noble and good,ruled by a King who came teaching how to humble oneself by "becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." He has earned his place as ruler in my life. As my pastor pointed out during our Sunday morning service, America isn't actually my home sweet home.
On the subject of greed, I've felt a tug to start keeping myself more accountable on my ideals. It's nearly impossible to make ethical purchases 100 percent of the time in a country where it's so much easier to exploit workers in poorer countries, but to help me strive harder towards making the best choices I can, I think I'll start featuring "Fair Trade Fridays" every couple of weeks to spotlight a good I've recently purchased. Stay tuned...

Check one off of the list.

A few months back I decided to read all the wisdom of the Sermon on the Mount and put it into practice. It seemed like a pretty easy goal at first, but then I started really, really reading it for the first time, and I realized there was a lot of tough stuff Jesus had to say that I had so far basically overlooked.
I got to Matthew 5:43 and encountered these words, which I had heard before but never really thought into:
"Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you."
I was pretty sure I had enemies. I started naming the list off in my head. I had never allowed myself to say I hated any of them, because I knew that whole thing about hate being like murder and all that. I would say that I loved them, but that was probably just because I knew that was what I was supposed to say.
My mom used to always have this phrase she would say when I was growing up and I was a real pain to be around and all. She said "Love is a verb." I could say I loved people all I wanted, but if I wasn't living it out, it didn't mean a thing. This was true of my relationship with my family, this was true of my relationship with God, and, as I was reading this, I knew it was true of my relationships with my enemies.
It's a hard thing to love in action people who won't acknowledge you or people you maybe never have a chance to interact with. But Jesus gives us a simple solution to the problem: Pray.
Prayer requires thinking of that person you try to push out of your head. It requires you to be concerned with their welfare. It requires you to love them, and to put that love into action.
I decided to pray for you.
I wasn't just praying for you; there was a list of maybe five to ten people that I decided to pray for. You were somewhere at the bottom. Some of these people directly affected my everyday life by falling into the "enemy" classification. It was unpleasant and downright inconvenient to have them as enemies. So I prayed for them. You were another issue, because I felt like if I prayed for your well-being, I was praying for the well-being of someone who, in gaining happiness, had already robbed me of mine. What could you need? What could I possibly pray for you about? And why should I really care if you were my enemy or not?
I started praying. But not for you.
I found that praying for my enemies opened my heart up a lot. I started seeing past the rough edges on some of the people on my list. Tensions and hostility started to fade. I even gained friendships, slowly. Your name was still on the list. I mostly ignored it.
The first time I prayed for you, there was a storm. If anyone knows me, they will know I get a little terrified during storms, especially when the sirens go off (this comes naturally for me, having grown up in a town that gets partially demolished every couple of years). I was huddled in the hallway, and I was praying for myself, my family, even my dog. And then your name came to mind.
I knew that, chances were, you were huddled in a hallway or bathroom somewhere. I don't know what you were praying for. But I was praying for your prayers to be met, and for you to be safe from harm. Then I went on and prayed for you some more, just that you would have happiness and all that and that God would do all this awesome stuff with you, and even that maybe you'd be able to forgive me for all the stuff I did to you without ever meaning to or even knowing you.
I wish I could say that I prayed for you regularly after that night. It was only every once in a while, and then I would go back to feeling like I only loved you in the sense that I didn't want to get in trouble for not loving you, but the way it played out it actually looked an awful lot like hatred...
I would kick myself for it. I knew I wanted to receive extreme love and extreme forgiveness, but I found it so hard to give out any grace. I knew I was being unjust in how I felt about you. I just felt like my life had fallen apart and yours had come together at my expense. Everything else faded off, all the old feelings disappeared, except that when I saw you from a distance I though it wasn't fair how you had it so easy, and everything for me had become so hard. I kind of thought of you as some kind of evil selfish monster, and thinking of you that way made it a whole lot easier to keep you on my list of enemies.
I never interacted with you until today. I can't help but think it was one of those times that God realized I was completely fumbling up the whole thing on my own and he had to step in and stick something in my face to get my attention. So he sent you, in person for once, and we got to talk.
It was the briefest possible interaction, but you were there, right in front of me, and I couldn't see you as a monster.
I could tell you were uncomfortable. I'm sure you could tell my hands were shaking, though I tried so hard to smile. I had to step away and catch my breath shortly after. But I could see your eyes, and I couldn't help but think they reflected some of the feelings I'd been experiencing.
Maybe you had tried to pray for me a couple times before.
Maybe you couldn't help but keep feeling hurt and jealousy, like I so often did.
Maybe you were a little afraid I hated you, as I was afraid you hated me.
I wish I could say I had never hated you.
Tonight I'm praying for you, but you're not really on my list of enemies anymore. I realize you, along with everyone else I had called an enemy, had only ever made that list because of my flawed thinking, my self-centeredness, and my short-sightedness. Maybe Jesus was thinking, all along, when he said all that stuff on the mountain, that we would discover there's often such a thin line, if a line at all, between persecutor and persecuted, neighbor and enemy. Tonight I'm praying for peace between us, even if we never see each other again, and I'm praying, truly, for your happiness.
There's such a peace to be found in obeying the words of Christ. This is just one of many times I have come to really realize that. I'm sure there will be many more to come.

It all begins with tiny insect steps.

A while back I told myself I was going to start a blog. I was on one of those kicks where I felt that I really had my life together and I was going to do amazing things and change the world, and that these things needed to be recorded for all posterity...
If I have learned anything in the past year and a half or so, as I began my slippery, stumbling journey with Christ, it's that I'm about as human as anyone I've ever met (or sometimes, it seems, more so). I have disappointed myself time and time again, and I rarely feel like I have my life together or will be able to do incredible things or really make much of a difference at all, and certainly not a difference for the better.
Yesterday a friend pointed out something that got my attention--all the discouragement, all the self-loathing I've engaged in lately, is exactly what hinders my ability to make a difference, to reach people, and to live as Christ wants me to in general. I tend to stumble the most when I've convinced myself that I wasn't good enough anyway.
I often fail to realize that God has already sought me out, that I have been adopted into his family, and that I must not allow myself to fall back into fear, but to embrace my position as one of God's children, "if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17).
I often fail to remember why I started this journey to begin with. I was sought out when I was broken-hearted, alone, dealing with the consequences of a godless life. And it's only by grace that I am saved. I could never earn my way then, and I can't expect myself to earn it now.
When this all started and I was on an emotional high and for a minute thought I could do so much more using my own strength, I imagined myself a great burning Olympic torch. Now I see myself as a firefly, tiny, feeble, flickering on and off.
I found it interesting to read that not all species of fireflies produce light as adults. All fireflies glow as larvae, but for some of them, the light disappears when they develop out of that stage. I know that I have spent the last year in the larval stage, and now, when everything has caught up with me and I realize how hard this journey often is, I do not want to lose that light and blend into the darkness, convinced of my inabilty to be "good enough" to make a difference.
I don't want to lose sight of why I'm doing this; I really believe all this stuff about God loving us so much and sending his Son to "seek and to save the lost" (Luke 19:9). I really believe in an immeasurable love, surpassing all knowledge, that one cannot understand until they have experienced it. I believe that, in my life, God used very ordinary and imperfect people to help me understand this love, and that, likewise, He can use me to do the same for others.
So I'm here; not where I want to be, but trusting in a patient and loving God to help me reach the places He intends for me. These will be my firefly journeys; sometimes exciting, sometimes humorous, sometimes difficult, sometimes heartbreaking. To my God, my Rescuer, my King, be the glory for any good that comes of them.