It all begins with tiny insect steps.

A while back I told myself I was going to start a blog. I was on one of those kicks where I felt that I really had my life together and I was going to do amazing things and change the world, and that these things needed to be recorded for all posterity...
If I have learned anything in the past year and a half or so, as I began my slippery, stumbling journey with Christ, it's that I'm about as human as anyone I've ever met (or sometimes, it seems, more so). I have disappointed myself time and time again, and I rarely feel like I have my life together or will be able to do incredible things or really make much of a difference at all, and certainly not a difference for the better.
Yesterday a friend pointed out something that got my attention--all the discouragement, all the self-loathing I've engaged in lately, is exactly what hinders my ability to make a difference, to reach people, and to live as Christ wants me to in general. I tend to stumble the most when I've convinced myself that I wasn't good enough anyway.
I often fail to realize that God has already sought me out, that I have been adopted into his family, and that I must not allow myself to fall back into fear, but to embrace my position as one of God's children, "if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ" (Romans 8:17).
I often fail to remember why I started this journey to begin with. I was sought out when I was broken-hearted, alone, dealing with the consequences of a godless life. And it's only by grace that I am saved. I could never earn my way then, and I can't expect myself to earn it now.
When this all started and I was on an emotional high and for a minute thought I could do so much more using my own strength, I imagined myself a great burning Olympic torch. Now I see myself as a firefly, tiny, feeble, flickering on and off.
I found it interesting to read that not all species of fireflies produce light as adults. All fireflies glow as larvae, but for some of them, the light disappears when they develop out of that stage. I know that I have spent the last year in the larval stage, and now, when everything has caught up with me and I realize how hard this journey often is, I do not want to lose that light and blend into the darkness, convinced of my inabilty to be "good enough" to make a difference.
I don't want to lose sight of why I'm doing this; I really believe all this stuff about God loving us so much and sending his Son to "seek and to save the lost" (Luke 19:9). I really believe in an immeasurable love, surpassing all knowledge, that one cannot understand until they have experienced it. I believe that, in my life, God used very ordinary and imperfect people to help me understand this love, and that, likewise, He can use me to do the same for others.
So I'm here; not where I want to be, but trusting in a patient and loving God to help me reach the places He intends for me. These will be my firefly journeys; sometimes exciting, sometimes humorous, sometimes difficult, sometimes heartbreaking. To my God, my Rescuer, my King, be the glory for any good that comes of them.